BLUF: I have put myself in a position to be the skunky reference for a former peer and am looking for a way out.
Several years ago, when John and I were peers, he asked if he could use me as professional reference and I agreed. It is now three years later, I have advanced, John has not, and in John's efforts to advance he is doing a fine job of convincing people in our company that there is a reason why he has not. Fortunately, I have never been contacted as reference for John, yet, everytime he sends out a blind email to his potential references when he is applying for a job, I cringe. He is solid in his curent job. The problem is that John's perception of his potential is very different from that of upper management.
When I agreed to be a reference for John, I sincerely believed that I could be a good reference for him -- and I did so through the eyes of a peer in the same level of the organization. I was also flattered that he asked (I know, strong parallels with the recent being asked to be a mentor cast) Now that I have advanced, I see his skills and behaviors differently.
I really need to get "out" of being a reference. It would be dishonest to fudge around what I know to be true and be a good one. I can't ethically skunk him since he asked me in good faith if I could be a good reference for him. Being a neutral is a litle bit of a cop out and fools nobody.
Any suggestions on how I could tactfully handle this? Thank you
Two thoughts
1. If people aren't calling you, you don't have to be a skunk. Seem that so far, you are only a "skunk in theory."
2. If you really need to address it even so, here's a thought: "I'm uncomfortable being used as a reference when I don't know where you're applying or what you're applying for. In the future, please hold off on sharing my name until you're interviewed and we can talk about the specific opportunity...and how I can specifically talk about how best to emphasize my experience with you." That's a great approach if you really want to stay involved. If you just want to get away, how about: "You know, it's been three years since we worked together, and you ought to replace me with others who have more recent experience."
Thanks, Ken
One of the interesting things about writing out the issue is that the answer gets more clear. Thank you for leading me there. I appreciate it !
Sure.
Ask him politely to inform you going forward of each request for a reference, so you can judge whether you can be of value to him. Tell him you've learned not to do blanket references. If you've listened to our casts about references, you know that he ought to be keeping you posted, etc. Therefore, being a reference takes time and effort to do well, and you've been put in a situation recently that has made you become more careful. You'll be happy to do it on a case by case basis, as the opportunities he comes across present themselves.
That said, how possibly could you have been so wrong? A reference isn't a nomination for the papacy. What has he done that so justifies the bell book and candle treatment?
Mark
Thanks.
Mark --
Thank you for the reply - and my apologies for the delayed response. I've been involved in one of the field biology efforts that might rate a 6 on the BugGirl scale for the last couple weeks. I believe the reason I was "so wrong" is that John has not repsonded well to changes in his boss or to changes in direction of the company in the last year . He is not tactful in his opinions or behaviors relative to upper management to the point that I am professonal uncomfortable. He may have shown this behavior to a lesser degree when we worked together, but it did not raise any flags with me. I'm the first to admit that I am not a fast judger of people. My hunch is that because he is at one of those mini-ceilings in our firm that he is frustrated that he may be topping out on the career ladder. He has been turned down for a several promotions and is not looking inward.
He does let me know when he has used me as a reference. We obviously need to have a conversation so that I know on a job-by-job basis in advance. This might segue into the, "gee, it's been three years since we worked together" conversation. I don't like the idea of dumping somone while they are down but realize that I have created the issue. The crux is that I have not be honest AND timely in the matter and I appreciate your and Ken's advice....And need to more carefully consider who and for what I would be willing to be a reference for . Thank you !